There should be a joyful feeling about today. There should be a buzz of excitement in the air combined with a bit of nervousness. Noah's backpack should be packed and hung on the hook in the mudroom. His snacks should be packed in his new lunch bag and his school shoes waiting by the door. Today should be Noah's first day of school.
Instead, there is no backpack, no lunch kit, and definitely no excitement. I am angry and heartbroken. Noah and I never got to the experience the "Back to School" excitement together. We never got to buy his school uniform, pick out his new backpack, or his indoor shoes. I never got to nervously drop off my first born for his first day of school, scared yet so proud. I'll never attend his school assemblies. I'll never see him write his name.
This day has me paralyzed in grief. There is an empty chair in a classroom and it is where Noah should be sitting. There in an emptiness about today that is loud. My heart and body physically ache. There are dreams that will never be fulfilled, hopes that will never come to fruition. I'll always wonder what he would have been.