September 19th, 2018

6 months.  26 weeks.  181 days.  4344 hours.  260,640 minutes.   This is how long I have had to live without my son.  

It feels like yesterday Noah was still in my arms, and at the same time, it feels like forever.  During this whole process I have never really been angry, but over the past few weeks feelings of anger have started to surface.  I am angry at the world.  I am angry that I live in a world where beautiful children die.  Where there is unbearable pain and heartache.  And because I know God can handle it, I get angry at Him too.  

As six months approached I felt as though the world forgot about Noah.  Forgot about me.  One or two consistent people still messaged me wondering how I am really doing.  The wind still blows, the leaves fall from the trees, and the sun even rises each day to remind me that Noah has gone to heaven.  

Grief has taught me a lot in the past six months.  I am sharing what is on my heart in the hopes that it may help someone, somewhere.  

  1. I am still Noah's mommy.  I have two children. You can say his name.  You don't have to whisper it, or avoid it all together.  That is more damaging than good.  You may think mentioning Noah's name will make me upset, but I'm already in the deep pits of hell.  Saying Noah's name brings me joy.  I hear you brag about your children, so even in death, I will brag about my sweet boy.  I will not avoid saying his name, even if that makes you uncomfortable.  I have to live my whole life being uncomfortable. You can survive for the two minutes I make you uncomfortable by talking about Noah.  I have one child in heaven, and one child on earth.  My heart will always be stuck somewhere between heaven and earth and I will still parent Noah in death.  
  2. I do not need a Fix It Felix.  Please save the cliche or advice.  If you have never experienced the death of child, do not give advice.  Yes, I know physical activity is good for me.  I know I need to be "strong" for Abigail.  I know you cannot imagine my pain.  And believe me, you cannot imagine this pain.  It is unbearable.  You. Have. No. Idea.  Grief is a personal journey that does not need to be rushed.  There is no timeline or milestone to hit.  I don't need to be "fixed" as I have forever been changed by certain events in my life.      
  3. Be a friend.  Show up.  When Noah died, people I expected to be there for me, were nowhere to be found.  Grief is awkward, nonetheless you need to show up. You don't need to say a word.  My world has become shattered, demolished, and hopeless.  Let me know you are thinking about Noah.  Even though I've been disappointed by people, I have meet people who have become closer than family to me.  I have Holy Affection for these people, and I will never let them go.  Just sit with me. Cry with me.  Yell at God with me. Dream about heaven with me.

Noah, I will never let the world forget.  As long as I have breath in me I will make sure the world knows your name.

About Noah

Noah, beloved son of Luke and Ashley Catto of Calgary, AB, passed away surrounded by his loving family on March 18, 2018 at the age of 3 years. Noah was born in Calgary, Alberta on July 11, 2014. Noah was a boy full of life, joy, and light who loved Paw Patrol, cars, singing and playing outside.

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