It has been eleven long months since Noah went to Heaven. Eleven. How is that possible? I don't know I have survived the last eleven months, but what choice do I have?
The last year seems like a blur, a bad dream that I can't escape from. My nights are sleepless and I am tormented by images and memories. My days are a blunt reality that I actually live in this nightmare, that I live every day, and every future day, without my bright, beautiful Noah. I am slowly starting to realize that this life without Noah is my new reality. A reality I desperately cry out for God to change, a reality that my mind can accept, but my heart cannot.
Peter stated "...the devil walks around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." (1 Peter 5:8). Eleven months ago, Satan devoured me. He took my joy, my hope, my zest for life. Satan believed he had the victory. But then, God came in, reminded who I was, and to whom Noah belonged. I was reminded the victory was already won, death was already defeated.
When confronted with pain and despair, our instinct tells us to run the other way, to run away from the roar. This is why our culture sucks at dealing with grief. In the months following Noah's death I read a book by Levi Lusko called "Through the Eyes of the Lion." In it, Levi explains that if you fail to face your fears, they will always be right there to haunt you.
I am never going to stop talking about Noah, talking about what he could and should have been. I will celebrate him and continue to parent him in death. I am not going to walk around trying to avoid landmines and everything that reminds me of the joy and love I had for Noah.
As I walk through my life, I will always run towards the roar again and again and again. God calls us to go to scary places so that we can trust Him, so that we can remind ourselves that the victory is His.
Pray for us next month as we take the hardest trip of a lifetime, back to Orlando, Florida. I know Jesus will show up for us like He has with each sleepless night and each tear.
I'll keep my eyes on the Righteous Lion.